Where fun comes to die

You know what my new favorite musical is? 

Naked.Boys.Singing.


THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT! Why hasn't these two things been combined before?? I feel like I just had a Reeses for the first time! You got singing on my naked boys! You have naked boys on my singing!


In other news, I like Abba.
 

 Have you guys seen "Two Girls, One Cup"?

If you have ever asked What Would Patty Do?-- well, there is your answer.

First, make sure your wife is at her sister's for the weekend. Second, you hire two female escorts for the night. Third, take said females for a hardy meal at Taco Bell.  Fourth, you take a cup, not just any cup, but a sort of Holy Grail gobblet sort of thing. Fifth, you have the females get naked and squat over the cup and then we wait.

Eventually the Bell will work its way through to the lower colon and out into our Holy Grail. Put Grail into the freezer and wait for 20 to 30 minutes until the shit is a fine, cold mix. Add whip cream and nuts to your liking. Serve!



















**CAUTION- may induce vomiting. 

So I  endorced Rudy Giuliani for president.  So fucking what. Rudy, or Rudy The Rod, as I call him have been very close friends for years. Here is a picture of us at my 70 birthday party::

 

God has told me that this summer there will only be 4 hurricanes instead of 12(and those four will most affect Mexico, so who gives a fuck anyway) because the Supreme Court has finally banned the practice of partial birth aboritions.

Partial-birth abortion is a horrific practice second only to the grotesque act of homosexual love. Which God also hates. You know the phrase "Don't hate the sinner, hate the sin?" Not true in the eyes of the Supreme Being for He hates both. Most likely, YOU are on his "do not pass go" list. 

One way to get on the Heaven entry list is to give $ to the 700 Club.

BTW- Supreme Court, Supreme Being- coincidence? I think not. And since that heathen cunt Sandra Day is off the bench, so is Satan and the Court is returned to its right winged glory.

I'm always afraid that when I shop at Target, that I will somehow get caught up or talked into the homosexual sex slave trade that happens in the back of every Target, right next to the bike tires. Check it out sometime. On Tuesdays, ask for Billy.

My wife hired this woman Lope to, in essence, babysit me while she is out doing various activities like getting a colonoscopy and playing Bridge with the other spoiled white women in our neighborhood. What a bitch. She claims that every time she leaves me along that I "masturbate" and hide the "cum" in various places like her favorite "vase" and in the "piano". ONE TIME I DID THIS! Some Christian she is turning out to be. Forgive Betty! Jesus.

But anyway, I'm sure you have better things to do.

I have a big announcement to make. I am officially announcing my candidacy for 2008. Yes, I will run for President of the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council.
 
There are a plethora of issues that I will be running on. Like the materials used for casings and bringing back the Oscar Meyer song and most importantly, giving more responsibility and accountability to the bun manufacturers.

I hope I can count on your vote.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Look how cute I was!! And things haven't changed much; you can still find me with a microphone, a Bible and a copy of Encyclopedia Brown The Case of the Clock.

Sometimes, I look at my children child, and I think to myself, "You should have stayed a virgin".

But then I think about all the wild sex I would have missed out on. Especially the sex with no possibility of pregnancy, like sex with my cleaning woman who had ovarian cancer or with Horhey, the Ethepoian gardner.

Yup, being a slut is pretty amazing.

I have these two swinger friends with this AMAZING purple couch. I love this couch. I want this couch. Soon, in the middle of the night, I shall steal this couch and flee into the night with it, and sleep where the world drifts me to.


Hi Diana.

How embarrassing to get thrown out of Ikea for masturbating in their display bed. Luckily they thought I was Ted Turner.

If I haven't seen someone in a while, I always want to know if they got fat. Because they invariably do. And I can tell a lot about them by their weight; like whether or not I like them.

I was accused by the jew-run media(jew-run run run the jew-run run) of being a homophobic. ME!  I've fucked more men then they have testicles! Wait, that really doesn't make any sense.

I just know that every time a gay fairy person puts their hand over MY mouth i assume it's been wrapped around one million aids-infected penises. i wouldn't call that homophobic, would you?

Especially when its like one of those fat, big gays? You know? Like a fagzilla? And I'm doing him from behind and he reaches back to throw me off him cause it hurts and his fingers go in my mouth and I'm like, ewwwwwww.

Where was this going?

There's nothing funnier than juvenile diabetes. Am I right, folks?

Some of you may have seen this::

( pat robertson predicts mass killing )

which is just another example of the media blowing things out of proportion. God DID speak to me and tell me MOST of you are going to die this year, but He also told me a bunch more "lighter" things.

For Example:

~Right around the end of January, mass groups of people will watch a sports related bowl that is so huge its called "super".
~The sale of pumpkins will peak around the end of  October
~Its splits-vill for Brad and Ang this year.
~But in a dramatic end-of-the-year play, Brad and Ang get back together.
~I will get a cold in early March, forcing me to sit at home and watch the Young and the Restless.

Take Heed Daughters of Eve and Sons of Adam.

I AM SO FUCKING SICK of hearing about global warming. Look, its NOT TRUE, okay?! So let's all just let it go. Those "scientists" with their "facts"- they are just lobbyists for the soy companies and "hybrid" hoax-sters. Polar Bears are becoming extinct? Really. Hmmm. Has anyone ever actually SEEN a polar bear???? EXACTLY. They've been "extinct" for a millennium. We cloned a bunch and put them in zoos a la jurrasic park, but in the wild? Please, eskimos and other such blood thirsty "indigenous" peoples made quick work of them!

And the "melting ice caps"--- you wanna know the real cause of them? Clay Aiken. 


Sit with THAT for a while.

Look, with all this talk of Darfur (or how ever you spell that fucking place), and AIDS in Africa or even the problem of clean drinking water, I think we are over looking the number one problem plaguing Africans- "ashy" skin.

Instead of pudding cups and condoms or whatever the fuck we send them in "aid", I think we should give bottles- crates- of lotion!!

Compared to the atrocities listed above, I guess wanting a nice complexion seems fairly silly. But not to this man of god. I know all about the importance of moisturization.

Sorry its been so long since my last post!!! I have been recovering from serious surgery: I had to have my colon removed and replaced with a cow colon. Then my cow colon rejected me. Transplant vs host, but I won MUTHUH FUCKUH!

I had to get the colon removed because it was full of holes....caused by years of, well, rodent infestation. Imagine how rough it was explaining THAT to Bette!!

One of my good friends, the Rev. Ted Haggard, said today he bought methamphetamine and received a massage from a self-described male escort.

SO FUCK WHAT. If someone would have told me things like that were frowned apon when I took this job, that would be one thing, but NO ONE SAID A WORD. But I'm glad that I'm just on the measly 700 Club and thus flying under the radar with all the shit I do. Many of my friends, including George W, have suggested I replace Ted. No, bad idea.

For the following reasons::
~Bought Meth? I sell meth. To children. And its only a matter of time before someone notices.
~Ted got a massage from a man. Let's say I've done more than that. Fuck, I was once in a blow job competition with Fred Rogers. It was a tough fight, but in the end, Fred gave the most blow jobs. 
~I love my wife, girlfriend and boyfriend too much to become that public of a figure.
~I have said the following quotes, in public. to both reporters and undercover police officers:
              " Joseph Stalin would be a good president."
               " I'd trade  all of my friendship for a handjob in a heartbeat."
               "Black kids smell funny."
~I have too many allergies to be considered functioning in a modern society.
~my daughter is retarded because I was high at the time of conception.


So, no thanks. And Ted, be SMART about this next time!

I wonder if its cheaper to fly or drive to Canada.

Betty and I are out'a here. The Democrat have both the House AND Senate? WHAT HAPPENED JESUS??? Were you out to lunch??